I wish it was easier to invoke compassion in people's hearts, to help them understand others in a productive and kind way. As a blind person, I have heard so many presumptions about me which were said directly to me. The latest one was yesterday. And while I know that it is important for each of us to remember no one can tell us how to live our lives, I also know how important it is to create an open and respectful discussion which will allow people to understand each other. I hope some day we will be able to have that in a more prevalent manner in our society.
My biggest worry is what others are supposedly learning from this author about trans people. That story says that outrage against trans people is understandable, that the only way to be trans is to “abandon” your family rather than the true state of it being a bad fit that does not leave room for who you are. I worry that this quest for knowledge is really a way of putting trans people in a bottle to make them palatable and gawk at their misfortune as just one of those things that happens in life.
There’s also a whiff of deception with trans stories that is a way of justifying rage against them. It’s very very troubling and I’m sorry this person has such hateful views. We can always say don’t toss out the writer but they’re not writing about an unrelated topic and hold terrible views (which some would argue is more tolerable) but actively misinforming others and harming trans people. Whew! This is tough.
This is really upsetting, especially because this author is disguising her hatred as a quest for knowledge and understanding. It’s wise not to discuss her by name or give her the attention she craves, because transphobic people are looking for validation for their skewed beliefs from everyone and anyone. I’m glad you wrote about this.
This feels like such a red herring. What she wants to “understand” feels like it’s really about getting more info (from where though?) to support her existing beliefs. Also, think about all the millions of writers who actually do their homework - they travel, they talk to folks, they study history, they read others’ memoirs. Some even go to live with people unlike them for months or years. There’s just no excuse for not getting as proximate as possible. Unless, of course, you’re just trying to support a bias of hate.
A white coworker once foisted upon me a book by Jodi Picoult with a Black female character, simply because I was co-chair of the Undoing Racism committee at work and she wanted to make a connection with me (fair enough). I gave it a chance just to be polite, but it became clear to me from the dialogue that Picoult must not have many Black people in her life. It was forced and stereotypical. I handed the book back to my coworker and thanked her, but said something like “with all the many excellent novels out there written by Black people about Black people, I don’t feel comfortable spending time on this one.” She twisted her face up and replied, “well, I thought it was very good.” This woman also must not have had many Black folks in her life. She also never opted to join our committee 🤷
Thanks for validating my decision to stay away from Jodi Picoult! I haven’t read any of her books, but I’ve been guilty of reading other white-washed books about Black characters before I knew any better; The Help comes to mind.
There's this strange, almost theatrical beatific tonality that bigots adopt in order to serenely describe their bigotry to people who are either sympathetic to the targets of that bigotry or are the targets themselves.
I've encountered that weird smile a few times personally and I've seen it in current events — like Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who wouldn't give out the same-sex marriage licenses despite a court order (and was invited to the SOTU), and who did all of that with this strange, stagy smile...or those people who bring automatic weapons into convenience stores with the same grin. It's like they're finally being allowed to act out a fantasy of defiance that they've had in their heads for years.
Kyle Rittenhouse had it too. It's scary and contemptible, simultaneously.
Yikes. I am familiar with that individual and went to take a look. I’m going to sleep on this and try to craft a comment that will (hopefully) give her some other perspective to think about. My first thought was how I have been taught (as a cisgender person), “nothing about us, without us” in regard to writing/teaching about trans people. My second thought was…this feels kind of like how I don’t like to read literature where male authors write sex scenes from the perspective of female characters…because you can tell. Ya know? I vote, write what you know. Save the “learning” for your diary.
also if someone genuinely wants to include characters with a different lived experience than they themselves have had, that person (author) can always hire a sensitivity reader or three. but somehow that never comes up in these cases.
ugh I can't edit but what I meant was, you are spot on and also you can tell people's so called "good intentions" are milquetoast at best if they don't even take that step (hiring sensitivity readers), which honestly seems like the least you could do if you genuinely wanted to not write from a place of bias.
My mother once told me about a film she really enjoyed. It focuses on a lesbian family with kids who have been conceived with a donor. The kids grow up to meet the donor and the donor infiltrates the family somehow. Of course one of the parents then has sex with the donor because "that's every fantasy of a lesbian parent" (according to my mom). I never watched it.
It always feels gross when someone creates content with queer or trans characters (or nonfiction) without doing any research. Add to that how utterly impossible it is for actual queer authors to get published and you set the stage with our stories and our information all gatekept and policed by cishet society.
Our stories and our culture deserve so much better.
If you're talking about "the kids are alright", that was written and directed by a queer woman! I have not seen it so i cant speak to its quality. In a bubble i dont think messy stories like it are wrong to make especially coming from ourselves. However we do live in our bigotted society so i understand the discomfort it gives us and ammo it gives cishets.
Gosh, I think that might be the one. Bear in mind I didn't want to see it after my mother's gushing review of it. How funny that it was actually written/directed by a queer person, and yes, you're right, we're all entitled to have our own experiences that may not match the "community narrative lens" we want the world to see us through. The best solution to that is more content. When the only thing out there is a story like that, it becomes the only story. When more of our stories are promoted, we all benefit.
I think what’s most jarring in your story is the cishet interpretation of the movie as fulfilling “every fantasy of a lesbian parent” when this is patently absurd and couldn’t possibly have been the queer writer/director’s perspective.
oh I saw that movie in the theater and hated it!!! (I got free tickets and didn't know what it was about going in...) it was so weird that it was supposed to be about a lesbian family but the focus was on this extramarital affair with a man. and it was written as though that were inevitable, and was playing into the lesbian bed death stereotype which has been disproven by research! ugh. all bad.
You bring up a painful and sad topic, indeed. I often find that until a person is faced with a similar situation to one they do not understand, they find it hard to change their perspective or opinion. Unless their empathy and compassion develops for other reasons, they remain with their prejudice and cannot disconnect from it on the basis that human beings should be able to show compassion and kindness to one another. Whether this writer believes people who are trans or nonbinary or experience anything different from their own subjective life or not, the fact remains: Every person lives their own life and no one has the privilege of telling them what is right or not for them. If it is a personal matter, then it is the person's prorogative, plain and simple.
I'm glad to say that sometimes, there are occasions where people change their mind and become more open-minded. A great example for that is Megan Phelps-Roper, who gave a fantastic TED talk about her reasons for leaving the extremist church in which she grew up. Here is a link:
Hi Tali, oh yes, I have no doubt that minds can be changed and I will absolutely eat my hat if the author I wrote about has a change of heart. She will have a lot of damage to undo if she goes down that road.
Her book was phenomenal. It was so interesting how her non-WBC husband (when they first met online) very gently tried to understand and then challenge her long-ingrained vitriolic beliefs. It really speaks to what Jude is saying here - one has to get proximate to people who aren’t like them to even begin to understand what their lives are like.
Cancel, mute and block her. The only way to deal with these -ssholes.
I wish it was easier to invoke compassion in people's hearts, to help them understand others in a productive and kind way. As a blind person, I have heard so many presumptions about me which were said directly to me. The latest one was yesterday. And while I know that it is important for each of us to remember no one can tell us how to live our lives, I also know how important it is to create an open and respectful discussion which will allow people to understand each other. I hope some day we will be able to have that in a more prevalent manner in our society.
My biggest worry is what others are supposedly learning from this author about trans people. That story says that outrage against trans people is understandable, that the only way to be trans is to “abandon” your family rather than the true state of it being a bad fit that does not leave room for who you are. I worry that this quest for knowledge is really a way of putting trans people in a bottle to make them palatable and gawk at their misfortune as just one of those things that happens in life.
There’s also a whiff of deception with trans stories that is a way of justifying rage against them. It’s very very troubling and I’m sorry this person has such hateful views. We can always say don’t toss out the writer but they’re not writing about an unrelated topic and hold terrible views (which some would argue is more tolerable) but actively misinforming others and harming trans people. Whew! This is tough.
This is really upsetting, especially because this author is disguising her hatred as a quest for knowledge and understanding. It’s wise not to discuss her by name or give her the attention she craves, because transphobic people are looking for validation for their skewed beliefs from everyone and anyone. I’m glad you wrote about this.
Thank you, and yes, I didn’t want to make this about her ego.
This feels like such a red herring. What she wants to “understand” feels like it’s really about getting more info (from where though?) to support her existing beliefs. Also, think about all the millions of writers who actually do their homework - they travel, they talk to folks, they study history, they read others’ memoirs. Some even go to live with people unlike them for months or years. There’s just no excuse for not getting as proximate as possible. Unless, of course, you’re just trying to support a bias of hate.
A white coworker once foisted upon me a book by Jodi Picoult with a Black female character, simply because I was co-chair of the Undoing Racism committee at work and she wanted to make a connection with me (fair enough). I gave it a chance just to be polite, but it became clear to me from the dialogue that Picoult must not have many Black people in her life. It was forced and stereotypical. I handed the book back to my coworker and thanked her, but said something like “with all the many excellent novels out there written by Black people about Black people, I don’t feel comfortable spending time on this one.” She twisted her face up and replied, “well, I thought it was very good.” This woman also must not have had many Black folks in her life. She also never opted to join our committee 🤷
Thanks for validating my decision to stay away from Jodi Picoult! I haven’t read any of her books, but I’ve been guilty of reading other white-washed books about Black characters before I knew any better; The Help comes to mind.
A lot of people fell for that one. I never saw or read that, but I saw The Blind Side and The Greenbook. Ugh….I guess it’s good we know better now.
There's this strange, almost theatrical beatific tonality that bigots adopt in order to serenely describe their bigotry to people who are either sympathetic to the targets of that bigotry or are the targets themselves.
I've encountered that weird smile a few times personally and I've seen it in current events — like Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who wouldn't give out the same-sex marriage licenses despite a court order (and was invited to the SOTU), and who did all of that with this strange, stagy smile...or those people who bring automatic weapons into convenience stores with the same grin. It's like they're finally being allowed to act out a fantasy of defiance that they've had in their heads for years.
Kyle Rittenhouse had it too. It's scary and contemptible, simultaneously.
I can totally picture that smile, and yes, that’s exactly the tone in which they’re writing.
Yikes. I am familiar with that individual and went to take a look. I’m going to sleep on this and try to craft a comment that will (hopefully) give her some other perspective to think about. My first thought was how I have been taught (as a cisgender person), “nothing about us, without us” in regard to writing/teaching about trans people. My second thought was…this feels kind of like how I don’t like to read literature where male authors write sex scenes from the perspective of female characters…because you can tell. Ya know? I vote, write what you know. Save the “learning” for your diary.
Hi Amber, reaching out to the author as an ally would be a beautiful thing if you are up for it.
also if someone genuinely wants to include characters with a different lived experience than they themselves have had, that person (author) can always hire a sensitivity reader or three. but somehow that never comes up in these cases.
ugh I can't edit but what I meant was, you are spot on and also you can tell people's so called "good intentions" are milquetoast at best if they don't even take that step (hiring sensitivity readers), which honestly seems like the least you could do if you genuinely wanted to not write from a place of bias.
My mother once told me about a film she really enjoyed. It focuses on a lesbian family with kids who have been conceived with a donor. The kids grow up to meet the donor and the donor infiltrates the family somehow. Of course one of the parents then has sex with the donor because "that's every fantasy of a lesbian parent" (according to my mom). I never watched it.
It always feels gross when someone creates content with queer or trans characters (or nonfiction) without doing any research. Add to that how utterly impossible it is for actual queer authors to get published and you set the stage with our stories and our information all gatekept and policed by cishet society.
Our stories and our culture deserve so much better.
If you're talking about "the kids are alright", that was written and directed by a queer woman! I have not seen it so i cant speak to its quality. In a bubble i dont think messy stories like it are wrong to make especially coming from ourselves. However we do live in our bigotted society so i understand the discomfort it gives us and ammo it gives cishets.
Gosh, I think that might be the one. Bear in mind I didn't want to see it after my mother's gushing review of it. How funny that it was actually written/directed by a queer person, and yes, you're right, we're all entitled to have our own experiences that may not match the "community narrative lens" we want the world to see us through. The best solution to that is more content. When the only thing out there is a story like that, it becomes the only story. When more of our stories are promoted, we all benefit.
I think what’s most jarring in your story is the cishet interpretation of the movie as fulfilling “every fantasy of a lesbian parent” when this is patently absurd and couldn’t possibly have been the queer writer/director’s perspective.
oh I saw that movie in the theater and hated it!!! (I got free tickets and didn't know what it was about going in...) it was so weird that it was supposed to be about a lesbian family but the focus was on this extramarital affair with a man. and it was written as though that were inevitable, and was playing into the lesbian bed death stereotype which has been disproven by research! ugh. all bad.
You bring up a painful and sad topic, indeed. I often find that until a person is faced with a similar situation to one they do not understand, they find it hard to change their perspective or opinion. Unless their empathy and compassion develops for other reasons, they remain with their prejudice and cannot disconnect from it on the basis that human beings should be able to show compassion and kindness to one another. Whether this writer believes people who are trans or nonbinary or experience anything different from their own subjective life or not, the fact remains: Every person lives their own life and no one has the privilege of telling them what is right or not for them. If it is a personal matter, then it is the person's prorogative, plain and simple.
I'm glad to say that sometimes, there are occasions where people change their mind and become more open-minded. A great example for that is Megan Phelps-Roper, who gave a fantastic TED talk about her reasons for leaving the extremist church in which she grew up. Here is a link:
https://www.ted.com/talks/megan_phelps_roper_i_grew_up_in_the_westboro_baptist_church_here_s_why_i_left?language=en
Hi Tali, oh yes, I have no doubt that minds can be changed and I will absolutely eat my hat if the author I wrote about has a change of heart. She will have a lot of damage to undo if she goes down that road.
Her book was phenomenal. It was so interesting how her non-WBC husband (when they first met online) very gently tried to understand and then challenge her long-ingrained vitriolic beliefs. It really speaks to what Jude is saying here - one has to get proximate to people who aren’t like them to even begin to understand what their lives are like.